September 2011...Really??

Somehow, unbelievably, it is September 2011.  I think I am ready to begin blogging again after too long of an absence.  So, what is the current status of things?  Let's update by family member...

D, the Hubster - still pastoring away and getting all the paperwork necessary for Methodist ordainment, Navy chaplaincy, and Methodist endorsement.  He continues to be my best friend, the best dad I could ever have prayed for, and my biggest cheerleader and supporter. 

Doodle - she is back to taking dance class, has started piano lessons, and is enjoying 5th grade.  Her heart is so sweet and pure and she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside.

Meesta - he is still our gymnastics stud, progressing by leaps and bounds.  He is enjoying 5th grade and the extra independence that seems to have come with that.  We are so proud of the young man he is becoming.

Shenzy - our little whirlwind of stubbornness and wit just turned 7!  It is hard to believe she is growing up because she still seems so physically little, but has always been much older in intelligence and sense of humor.  She continues to keep us on our toes.

Yours truly - work is going well right now, it has been incredibly busy and is now just regular busy, but still exhausting.  My PhD continues to go well, my first 3 chapters were recently approved and then this past week the IRB approved my research and I am now able to travel to Cambodia to collect my data as soon as I have all the pieces in place...not sure when that will be for a variety of factors, but likely early November 2011.

Hopefully I will get back in the groove of preserving memories and processing thoughts in this little safe place.

Cheers,
CC

The Winter Grouchies

It has gotten cold and I rather don't like it.  Where was fall?  It went from being a record high summer, all hot all the time to cold and yucky.  Oh well, I remind myself that I am safe and secure from the elements, my job doesn't even require me to be outside working, so no whining allowed!  Yet, the grouchies linger and I can attribute them mostly to the weather.

I am ready for Thanksgiving and have enjoyed my own self-imposed 30 days of stating what I am thankful for on Facebook.  Some are deep, some are superficial - but true (like coffee!). 

D has been working out with the same training as the Navy Seals.  We are soon to be one of those couples where people ponder about how I got so darned lucky - not that they don't already, but it is becoming even more obvious!  I am working on it though, my sendentary lifestyle (desk job, dissertation, mom disguised as taxi cab) does not lend to lots of activity, but I am trying to be more aware of what I put in my mouth and trying to move more.

Dissertation work is moving along I am happy to report.  I have been collecting articles and books like it was my job (if only that paid!!) and will be doing some productive writing over the next 2 weeks.  My current goal is to have my first draft of the proposal done by the first week of January...which is really not that far away.

Kids are gearing up for competitions and conventions, at least 2 of them are.  I will be spending ridiculous amounts of time at these events I am sure and spending far too much money on eating out, registration fees, etc.  They will have a ball though and are only young once and I am going to enjoy and try not to grouse about the money and time.  I am proud of their abilities and am going to support their passions.

A good friend (who reads this but NEVER comments;) is going through a hard time and my heart breaks for her.  She deserves happiness more than about anyone I know and it just seems to evade her best efforts.  For prayer warriors who read, please join me in praying for N, she is one of my best friends and I wish I could make it all right. 

I continue to see sadness every day around the world as I try to stay informed about what is going on globally, especially as it pertains to women and children.  It is hard to stay focused on the positives when there are so many negatives.  But, I know there are so many people working to do wonderful things in a selfless manner and I choose to focus on what they are doing and to contribute in whatever manner I can (prayers, $, spreading the word). 

Until next time,
CC

Identity Crisis

Yes, it has been 6 months since I have visited.  I could provide a million excuses, but let's just suffice it to say that life has been its usually busy self - on fast forward.  So, let's do a quick recap for my own memory's sake.

The kids finished their first school year wonderfully, this area is good for them for sure.  Meesta is now on the competitive men's gymnastics team at our local gym - he is doing amazing and his little body is changing right in front of our eyes.  Such a wonderful and handsome little guy.  Doodle is on the performance team for gymnastics and has also taken a strong interest in sewing, for which we have hired someone to teach her given that I am completely inept in that area.  Shenzy is doing wonderfully, also sprouting right up but also seemingly so little too.  She is on the competitive dance team and is also learning to play the violin - she has lots of talent in her little self.  They are all just amazing kids and I am so blessed that I am their mom.

D is doing great, the congregation has welcomed us and especially him with lots of love - and food!  He continues to be my biggest supporter, my best friend, and all that other gooey stuff.  He is simply amazing and I wish our happiness for every marriage.

Me, I have finally finished all the coursework for my PhD - what a long road, 3 years of essentially nonstop classes (1 week break between quarters really doesn't count as a break in my opinion)!  I am now trying to buckle down and get the dissertation written.  I am such a deadline person, it has been hard for me to work on it and I have rather enjoyed the lack of stress and constant due dates for homework.  Just in the last 2 weeks I have started kicking it into gear, finally!  I really want to be done in 2011, so I must press on as there are lots of waiting periods and I need to stay on top of this to get it done. 

Now, for the identify crisis.  Despite all the positives above, I am still very discontent.  I am ready for a new daily purpose.  My work provides the needs, but I am lacking that internal drive to keep doing what I am forever.  I need more purpose.  I want to take my passions for international development work, especially with women and children, to the next level and make it my career.  This is a huge jump and I am nervous, but I know that deep down, I am nearing the end of my tolerance for my current role.  The superficiality and nonsense are a struggle to deal with.  The importance of what I am doing seem to be lost and I am ready for meaning in my career. 

OK, all for now, hopefully I will be here more often.

*I am presently praying fervently for a child in Haiti named Kephania.  She is an orphan and is very ill.  She has captured my heart.

Life is Good...but I can make it better!
CC

Mother's Day

Mother's Day, while overhyped commercially, is such a valuable day for me.  I am grateful on this day for my kiddos, their birth moms, and my wonderful husband.  I am grateful for my mom, my grandma, my great-grandma, and my aunts, all who loved me and showed me how to love and to give of myself unconditionally.  I am grateful for my mother-in-law, who has never been intrusive and raised a wonderful man I am blessed to call my husband.  I am grateful to all of those women who have mothered me over the years in small and big ways.

Happy Mother's Day 2010!

CC

Rejuvinated

Sometimes one must get a shock or a smack or just a break to regain focus and clarity.  I have experienced all of these over the last couple of months and think today, after a lovely night's sleep, I am ready to set a course that I can follow and hope I will be back on here more to keep the updates documented.

So, given that I am a list and to-do person, I work best with them...I am very Type A and like to check things off lists and must accomplish many things in a day to feel I lived it the right way.  Yes, I exhaust myself, and my family, but that is me.

Plans for the future, long-term and short-term:

1.  Lose a minimum of 20 pounds by October. 

• This is 5 full months from now.  That is only 4 pounds per month, which is just 1 pound per week.  Totally achievable!  I will do this by exercising at least 2x per week and journaling my food.  I also have signed up for WW online.

2.  Finish my PhD by the end of 2011.

• I must survive 4 more weeks of this quarter (2 classes).  I get a 1-week break, then I have 12 more weeks of coursework (2 classes) and then I AM DONE WITH ALL THE COURSEWORK!!!!!  I have done a dual specialization in nonprofit management and nongovernmental organizations (NGOs) and so it has taken me a little longer than some others, but this is the degree I want.  I have a good focus on what my dissertation will be about and I have every intention of completing it in 4 quarters (1 year as that is the minimum amount of time it can take you), but am giving myself until the end of 2011 just in case.  However, I am very hopeful that by the end of the summer quarter 2011 - I will be Dr. CC.

3.  Update my CV/resume and start sending it out.

• This one is hard.  I have worked for my company for 10 years and while I like what I do and I have great benefits and an excellent salary, my heart is just not in it.  I have networked and worked every angle I know to get within an area of the company where my interests and heart could be matched much more with my education and background...but this week I received my second blow where I realized more than ever, the old boys' network is alive and well.  I am just not sure I will ever break that barrier.  It still might happen that I could get in the area that I want, and I am not rushing to get out of my company (although with all the cuts they are doing, I might be on my way out sooner than I would want!).  But, I know in my heart that doors are shutting for a reason and I have been praying for God to light the path that I am to follow, and understandably, that means that some doors will have to darken.  I am comfortable there, I like most of my coworkers, and I have the HUGE added benefit of being able to telework now, which is a necessity given D's career choices (which I support).  I don't look forward to the searching and the decisions that will have to follow - BUT, I am very excited about the opportunities that I know await! 

4.  Get out of debt.

• We are closer than we have ever been and by this time next year, we will have zero debt with the exception of my student loans (and maybe a bit of D's left as well).  The freedom of mind that comes with this is huge.  I still want to have some fun and I could probably get out of debt a month or two sooner if we don't take any trips, etc...but living life and having those experiences are worth another month or two to me. 

OK, it looks like we have a top 4 list. 

Life is this good...
CC

Discerning

My current mental focus is on discerning God's will for me.  I have plenty of wants and wishes, desires galore and some of them are rather nagging, but are they God's prompting or my human selfish desires?  That is the question. 

I have long believed that my intuition is God talking to me and I don't know that I have ever pondered so deeply about anything.  Nothing serious going on, home life is great, school I am surviving, just trying to anticipate where my career should go. 

I have been praying, although probably not nearly enough.  I have been talking to the hubster about it, he knows me so well and is a great sounding board. 

When to rock the boat, that is the question...

CC

How Do You Know?

So, the question I have been pondering for some time is perhaps one common among many families at our stage of life:  Are we done adding to our family? 


Looking from the outside in, I realize that this is an insane question for our family, 2 parents working full-time (one being a pastor who's job never seems to end), one who just finished grad school, the other who is working towards her PhD, 3 kids who are busy with sports and other activities and are just on the verge of that social butterfly thing and wanting to hang out at others' houses and have others over to ours...and this, and that - well, you get the picture.  But, I have just always had that nagging feeling that there are more out there that will one day call me mom.  It is just some sort of gut instinct thing, which for me, is God talking to me. 


I have chalked this gut instinct up to a possible child that we will adopt into our family who is in a bad situation, a friend of the kids perhaps, I am not sure.  OR, it could be the space in my heart that still exists, will forever, for our Laurel Chompa and Lily Bopha, 2 girls in Cambodia that we all consider to be part of our family, but for a thousand reasons they are not able to come to the US and officially be our daughters.  Unfortunately, their tale has taken a sad turn and their future is definitely in jeopardy due to bad influences; all I can do for them is pray.


For us, the decision to have another child goes far beyond a wonderful evening...;)  Our journey to parenthood involves reams of paperwork, invasive scrutiny of our personal and financial lives, and tens of thousands of dollars.  Not that I am complaining (OK, maybe a little bit), because I am honestly beyond grateful for our 3 cherubs, they are truly beyond words blessings, but, suffice it to say, our journey to parenthood is arduous. 


There are lots of factors to consider, including but not limited to:

• How will Shenzy handle another child in the family, this is one child with a distinct personality and I don't see her taking well to being an older sister, although I know she would adjust;
• Financially, we are seeing a wonderful gleaming light at the end of the debt reduction tunnel, do we really want to run back into the fog (even though it would be temporary due to tax credits and work reimbursements);
• Do we have the mental stamina to endure the world of adoption again? (we have been in knock down drag outs through our Cambodian adoptions and it took a lot out of us);
• Do we rock our nice little family boat that seems to have all the holes plugged and life jackets securely fastened?;
• What about paying for their colleges (not a HUGE concern for us, but one to consider; neither one of us had a dime to go to college and we both have Master's degrees and will both eventually have our PhDs, where there is a will, there is a way);
• Will our family size limit where we can travel to and live as a Navy family?
• From where would we adopt?

These are but a mere fraction of all the considerations that bounce around in my head like a pinball.  But, there are a few things I do know with absolute certainty.

• We have many blessings and much love to share with at least one more child.
• We are blessed to have the resources to care for more children.
• We know that God calls upon us to care and look after the orphans of the world, and I especially feel such a strong tug to do this beyond the charities we support on a monthly basis.

So, how do you know?  I have been praying about this and felt somewhat settled that I was to sit tight and ride it out for a while in uncertainty.  The images from Haiti tugged right at my easily plucked heartstrings though and smacked me in the face that while I am being complacent, there are kids all over the world waiting for a family.  There were tons of kids in Haiti waiting before the earthquake and quite honestly, I had been following several blogs of people working with NGOs in Haiti (adoption and medical), but still did not feel compelled to take a step toward adoption.  Don't mistake, Haitian adoptions were ridiculously challenging before the earthquake, now they will be even worse.  But somewhere in the world, is there a kid who belongs in our home? 


How do you know?


Deep ponderings, I know.


CC

Technology Run Amok!

Today has been a day of extreme technological advances in the CC household. 

 

1.  I purchased a new laptop – very much needed.  My other laptop still works and will become the kids’ laptop, but it literally takes about 15 minutes to boot up sometimes…much too long for this impatient chick.

 

2.  I am setting up said laptop, adventure enough.  With that setup comes my signing up for Skype!  Woo Hoo, major advances.

 

3.  I am using the new Windows 7 Windows Live Writer to type this and it is so quick and easy, watch out Nik – I just might start updating more than once a century;)

 

4.  I UNofficially started my dissertation today!  I put my name, previous degrees, and anticipated graduation date on the cover of the dissertation template.  It is a small step, but a big one and I am happy!

 

All for now, thoughts around here are frequently of Haiti and those suffering unimaginable horrors, work stresses of uncertainty still, school stresses (desperately sick of it), and overall appreciation for our lot in life.  We are blessed beyond belief and recognize it.

 

Until later,
CC

Rumors of my demise - Premature

It is less than a week from Christmas and I believe this has been my longest absence from blogging.  I just watched Julie and Julia last night and it had me thinking about my negligence on my own dear blog.  The past 2 months have flown by and my days continue to get shorter and shorter.  So, for my own memory when I review this in years to come, what have I been up to?

Work, it remains a very tenuous place right now, scheduled to cut 5500 jobs over the next 2 years, hoping and praying that mine is not one of them.  Even though I now telework, the atmosphere there is very negative, too many changes, too much insecurity, too little trust of the people and new restrictions, all add up to not so positive of an environment.  I am hoping it can turn itself around, but I guess time will tell.

School, well, I finished another quarter, probably my hardest thus far because it had the most nasty of all statistics classes.  I rejoiced big time when it was over.  I am already in Week 2 of my next quarter and I am so very very sick of school.  I am ready for it to be over big time.  I only have 3 quarters left of coursework, so by the end of this coming summer, I will only have my dissertation to complete, then, PhD BABY!!!!!  I have a serious lack of desire right now though, am just trying to soldier on and remember I am almost done.

Family, everyone is doing well.  The kids are doing awesome in school, hubby is doing wonderfully at his new job down here, and all is generally good.  We are leaving on our cruise in just over a week and we are all excited about it:)!

I will try not to be so long - or so boring in the future:)

Life is This Good
CC

Statistics and Cruising

Statistics and Cruising, the two terms do NOT go together, but are both on my mind.  I have just finished Week 4 of my 8th quarter for school.  I am a bit overwhelmed as there is a great deal of reading to do and a 5-credit hour statistics course.  Ugghhh.  I had stats in my master's degree program and didn't like it then, and deal with statistics on a daily basis, but in coordination with many statisticians who are rather brilliant.  So, I am surviving, barely.

On the fun side, we have booked a cruise for a bit of fun in the sun!  Woo Hoo!!!  We all are rather ready for some fun and we are going to have it right after Christmas.  We have booked a cruise that will have us gloriously unencumbered and unstressed for 5 nights and 6 days!  We are all very excited.  This has led me into extreme vigilance regarding what I eat and how much I exercise as I would prefer to weigh at least 15 pounds less before we go, but I will not let that deter the amount of fun I have.

Just wanted to check in, we are all healthy and doing well and I believe are NOT going to be getting the H1N1 vaccine, I am just not comfortable with it.  Lots of reasons, but it is based on both my gut and a fair bit of research. 

All for now, life is definitely this good!
CC

Kiva Reloan X 2 = Feels Good

I just logged into my Kiva to see if I had any funds that had been repaid so that I could reloan them, and I did, I had enough to do two $25 loans!  Awesome feeling to know that I am being a part of something so powerful and life-altering!  A feel good moment for me in the midst of continued turmoil in my work life and increasing dread at doing my school work (yet I shall persevere!).

I am reading Nick Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn's new book, Half the Sky, and it is just awesome, inspiring, motivating, and beautiful.  I won't say more right now as it is, for me, almost a religious experience to read this book and I just need to absorb it all.  The stories of evil and hope, successe and failures, are the real stories that should be spread, not what some narcissitic celebrity is doing on any given day.  I want to ditch my work and my school work and sit and read and read, but alas, I must be responsible.

CC

Change is The Only Constant

I feel like I am at a crossroads of sorts. I am reminding myself frequently that I am on the path that I feel God is leading me down. Sometimes I want to jump ship and dive headfirst into my future career...but I know that I must learn how to swim and dive properly (finish my PhD), after buying all the proper equipment (finish paying off all my debt), before I take off on my daring adventure (working within the NGO world).


These feelings are intensified by the fact that my employer continues to make big changes that leave my future there unknown. The economy and regulatory changes are requiring that business be done differently, and that differently is still being defined. While I feel somewhat comfortable that I am okay for now, who knows what the future holds.


For now, I must try to be a good mom to be kids, wife to my husband, friend to those I value, employee to my company, and student to my educational institution. This should leave me content enough, but there is just a nagging need to do more that I can't seem to quiet.


Just my thoughts for now...
CC

Wonderful Weekend

This has truly been one of those really great weekends. Sighhhhh of relaxation and relief. We had some good friends stop for a surprise lunch on their way down south and then we had some good friends come and spend he night with us and hang for 2 days. It was all rather divine. The kids have had a great weekend and even the dog behaved. Thank you God.

I really don't wish for Tuesday...back to school and back to work. I begin my 8th quarter of my PhD and this will be a rough one as I have a rather challenging stats class plus my research focus and another class. This degree will definitely have been earned.

I hope the weekend has been just as lovely to all of my internet friends!

Life is indeed this good,
CC

Applications Being Accepted

Well, things have finally settled down around the CC household. But, let us recap, if for my future memory's failure if nothing else. It has been quite a busy spring and summer. We had:

(1)D's graduation from seminary and all the parties, pomp and circumstance that followed that.

(2)Rather all-inclusive (making it sound resort-like) work project that left me with just enough hours to try to live as well as work

(3)More coursework as I forge ahead to get my PhD tattoo

(4)MOVING to a new town, 2 hours away from our nearest family or friends

(5)Getting to know a new church family and having them all over to our new house...4 meals on 4 nights

(6)Getting cherubs used to the new place and getting them registered and prepared for their new school

(7)Getting new everything arranged and determined (doctors, hairdressers - still need one, banks, gyms, and on and on)

Now that the above is mostly done and over with, I realized that I need some FRIENDS down here. Casual acquaintances, yes, these I have made through church, and they have sufficed for now; but, I stopped for a minute the other day and realized I was a bit lonely for adult female, near my age, chit chat and socialization. I am not looking to make the best friend I ever had down here, I know our stay will likely only be 3 years here, but it would be divine to have someone I could go and get coffee with, someone who understands the challenges of work and motherhood, someone who might like to shop every now and again. I need a girl friend. So, I am not going to sit around and wallow in this, I am going to try to do something about it. So, my current plan is to try to get involved in the kid's school and maybe even the PTO (if you know me well, and are reading this...shut it), perhaps a women's bible study, or finally, put an ad in the local newspaper: friend needed for slightly neurotic, over-committed, impatient working mother of 3 who also happens to be in school (really, I will find time to hang out and chat). I sound delightful don't I?!

Wish me luck!

CC

All 3 Off

All 3 of my cherubs are off to school. I have a range of emotions flowing, including, but not limited to the following: joy, fear, relief, trepidation, pride, worry, and adoration for my brave kids. They have embraced this new school with gusto and were only claiming to be a little bit nervous. I had the luxury of going to the same school, with the same people, from kindergarten through high school, and some even to undergrad as well. I can't understand what they are facing, but I love their approach, they are brave and adventurous.

Good luck sweeties!!!!!

Life is This Good

From the Mountains to Kindergarten

In an effort to try to eek some fun out of this busy summer..and no, moving is not fun, we have been on a quick getaway to Tennessee. We really are not into country music or anything like that, but we do love beautiful areas and love log cabins, so we thought it would be a good little trip. I booked a gorgeous cabin for us to stay in and we thought we would just putz around, see the sites in Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg and view some wildlife in the mountains.

Well, our cabin was gorgeous. But, it was flanked in a "rental cabin community" filled with probably 60 other gorgeous cabins, and while it was not really loud or bothersome, it took some of the seclusion out of our vacation festivities. And Pigeon Forge, for us, was a huge disappointment. The shows were overpriced in our opinion and all there were were repeat shops of cheap souvenirs and pancake houses. We spent a good deal of time at one of the kids entertainment facilities called The Track and we played putt-putt and rode rides and ran go-carts. So, this was the most fun for the kids. The most fun for the adults was the hot tub, enough said there.

As for Gatlinburg, it also was filled with things that just don't really interest us and yes, we probably should have done more homework on the place to know in advance we probably would not jive well with it, but it was a quick and easy vacation and we did not over plan. We did go up in one of the sky lifts though and that was fun for all of us to experience. I am a bit nervous of heights so I had to do some mental therapy with myself, but no crisis:). All in all, it was certainly not the best vacation ever, but it was not horrible either and I am very grateful that we were able to get away and relax for a few days, it was needed and we are blessed to have the resources to do so.

We are back now though and Miss Shenzy just had her assessment for early entry into kindergarten (she is too young by 28 days) and she passed with flying colors! Wooooo Hoooo! I was standing outside of the assessment door and was actually getting a bit nervous because I could not hear her answers to several of the questions and I had no idea what she said. I did have a moment of PTSD when I heard the tester because she was asking questions much like I had to when I was a neuropsychometrist ($15 word, I know). I hated being a neuropsychometrist with a burning passion and I made people cry on a daily basis, mostly those with a traumatic brain injury or organic brain disease...it was not cool, and to top it off, I was making $28,000/year with my master's degree...yeah, I didn't make it a year...and I sold out to big pharma and LOVE my job (most days)! Sorry, I digressed, but anyway, back to Shenzy, oh yes, she did fabulously and the assessor came out and said, well, I normally don't tell people, but she is solidly ready and I will call the school and have them call you on Monday!

So, we have only until next Thursday and then all 3 cherubs will be back in school, full time as Kindergarten down here is all day. We also signed them up for gymnastics today and tried to call for scouts, etc, etc...reestablishing your family in a new location is not a quick and easy task!

I am excited by this, I guess a tiny bit sad that my youngest is heading off to kindergarten, but I know she is ready and needs that challenge that school will bring her.

Life is This Good,
CC

Angel on Earth

I know I have written about my great-grandma before, but, here I go again. My great-grandparents were the solid foundation for my youth. My mom was very young when she had me and she worked tirelessly, multiple jobs, to provide me with everything she never had. I was dressed nicely, in gymnastics, multiple dance classes, played sports, went out with friends, and on and on. Guess who took me to all of these things, who raised me in large portion...yep, my great-grandparents. They loved me beyond measure and even though they had lots of grandchildren and great-grandchildren, I always felt extra-special to them because I was with them so much.

My grandpa had his issues, including chain-smoking, a bit of cleptomania, and prostate and memory issues at the end...but he was a very loving man and he doted on me, perhaps to the extreme. I cannot remember a single softball game that I had that he did not attend, and I played every summer, even through college. After his health declined to the point that walking to the bleachers was tough, he and grandma would get to the field early enough to park along a fence in the outfield and would honk for me when I got a good hit or made a good play (I pitched).

Grandma was a housewife that married wayyyy to young and never worked outside the home. However, I have never met a more frugal, thrifty, and creative woman who always managed to make her own spending money and never failed to try to give it to me. Grandma and I have this special relationship to this day. She nicknamed me Poodie at about 1 week old and she and most of my family still call me this to this day. Grandma taught me so much, things books and education never can.

I visited Grandma yesterday when I was back in my hometown (which is now more than 3 hours from our current home). She will be 92 in September and I make it a priority to see her when I am in town, unfortunately, it is not often enough for her or for me. Her daughter, my grandma (with whom I am not nearly as close...some issues there), was there at the nursing home where Grandma has lived for about 4 years now when I got there with my 3 cherubs. It was nice to see her, but in the beginning she didn't know who I was for a few seconds, but then you could see the recognition hit her eyes and she smiled. She was not having a very good day my grandma said and within minutes, my great-grandma was crying that it was so good to see me and the kids. Grandma also told me that she had been crying earlier because they had made her eat lunch and it is hard for her to swallow and so she found the nursing home staff to be mean. Seeing my great-grandma cry, for any reason, was heart wrenching and all I wanted to do was take away her pain.

I sit here trying to come to terms with the circle of life and how child-like my grandma is now and wishing I was there for her like she was for me when I was the helpless one. She still has my unconditional love and my prayers every single day, but she doesn't have my presence and for that my heart is heavy. I am not in a position where I can quit my job and care for her full-time, but I kind of wish we lived in a society where this was expected and just happened within families as it does in many Asian cultures.

My great-grandma is truly my angel on earth, her love and kindness, her hospitality to all those who entered her home, her laugh, her gentle nature, her amazing cooking, every single thing about her and how she always was brings me happiness. It is very hard for me to reconcile her current being, one I know she is not happy in most of the time, with how she wants to be and how unfair this part of life really is. I don't want my grandma to go, although I know it is inevitable that we all will pass on some day. But, I also don't want her to suffer. An emotional paradox. For now, I will remember that twinkle of remembrance and happiness that she rewards me with when I get to see her and I will cherish her for everything that she symbolizes to me.

CC

Come On Down!!!!!

We have moved. It was exhausting and stressful, but we love it down here. We are abut 2 hours south of where we used to live and there is a slight, but noticeable, difference in culture. The house we are in is probably more than 2x larger than the one we were in before, so that in and of itself makes this a marvelous situation. But wait, there is more!

The people in our new church have truly embraced us with open arms and there is plenty of growth that can be accomplished as this church has been through some trying times and just needs a good leader, and my hubster is that. We have already done our first mission project with them and we, along with the kids, had a really fun time.

I am now officially a teleworker and I could not possibly love it more. I will actually love it more when my desk arrives at the end of the week, until then though I will happily remain on the floor...in my HOME! This working from home thing is going to literally change my life. Dramatic, yes. But true. Already I have enjoyed my evenings more, and feel, in general, less stressed even though we are still in the throes of unpacking and trying to get settled. The hustle and bustle of getting myself ready, kids ready, everybody fed and out the door so that I could make it to work on time was exhausting and I guess after 7 years of doing that with the kids I was a bit spent in the energy department.

School is going to hopefully get accomplished quicker because I have more time back in each day. This should allow me to get that PhD tattoo on my hiney a bit sooner, which will in turn save me a lot of money! I am looking forward to really buckling down and getting it DONE. This semester has not really been a very bad one assignment wise, so I should be embracing this and working on research, but for now I am going to try to get all the way unpacked and settled so that my brain is not competing for tasks on the to-do list.

We signed up at the local YMCA and it is very nice. Should allow the whole fam to get some exercise and spend time together having fun in the pool! Also should allow me to continue on the weight loss journey that has been at a stale mate for almost 2 months now - but the good news is that I have not gained!

We have enjoyed having visitors already in the first week. We are looking forward to our 4th visitor in a little over a week tomorrow and then the 5th and 6th on Tuesday I hope!

That's the update for now...the kiddos are back in our old stomping grounds for VBS this week so we are going to miss them a ton!

CC

The Best Dad

I got the raw end of the stick when it came to fathers. I mean, as I have grown up, I have come to realize that my life would have been worse if I had had a mean or abusive father, but I just had no father. There were times when this was awkward or made me feel like an oddball, but in general I must admit that I had a fine upbrining sans a male parent. My mom did an amazing job of putting me first and making sure that I had all the love that one parent can give.

However, I knew that I wanted to have kids, and I knew without a doubt that whoever my spouse was, they had to be a good dad. On this day, Father's Day, I pondered this while sitting through our last church service at our current church, where we have been now for 9 1/2 years. That is a long time! D preached and did a fantastic job but the day definitely has left me contemplative.

So what makes D such a good dad? First and foremost, he loves his wife. He shows it to me and to our children by the way he treats me, talks to me, looks at me, and loves me. He believes that he can only be the best dad to our kids if he and I are in the right place with our relationship. Secondly, he is a very dedicated dad. He loves his children immensely and in no way considers his alone time with them "babysitting" as I have heard some men refer to their solo childcare duties. He does a good job of being strict and teaching the kids what they need to know in order to be successful in this world and being fun and helping them explore the world.

So cheers to my favorite man in the world, my best friend, my partner in parenting, and truly the best person I know.

Happy Father's Day D! Thank you for being you.

Love, CC

Mish Mash

My goodness, it has been a while since I have journaled here. That is 99% due to my job and the rather intense project that I was on for a good while. However, our work was worth it and not only was the FDA impressed with our company and how prepared and transparent we were, they expressed that our presentation should be the "model" for all pharma companies when they go to advisory committee meetings. How is that for a nice warm fuzzy? However, said work was exhausting, mentally draining, kept me away from my family, made it hard to get my homework done, and even caused me a bit of personal heartache. But it is done and hopefully it will result in adolescents with serious mental illness, namely bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, to have increased treatment options which they desperately need.

Back home now and trying to be in the groove, but we are moving soon...so that makes "normal" a bit tricky. D has been fantastic and been holding down the homestead and packing whilst I have been toiling at work. The movers arrive on July 2, so I have exactly 2 weeks to get everything packed and ready to go. This includes my office at work...uggghhh. But, this means that I will be working from home from that point forward as our new place is 2 hours from my office. And that, my friends, is a fantastic and beautiful thing. I have calculated that I will gain at a minimum, 2.5 hours back of my life EACH DAY!!!! This will make a radical difference in my days, hopefully making me a lot less rushed and stressed. My office is literally one door away from my bedroom and my coworkers won't care how my hair or outfit look! I will likely have more time to write my thoughts here for sure:)

This morning, we will head down our children's hospital because Meesta has outpatient eye surgery. While I know he will be fine in my cognitive brain, my emotional brain is rather worried about them putting him under, the negative effects of them "slipping" and nicking his tear duct or eye, you get it, all the typical parental worries. He is doing well with his nerves, if only I can hold mine together and not make him nervous.

All for now....reminding myself that life is this good...
CC