More than one person has commented that our daughter S, seems to be an old soul. I had never contemplated this about her before, she is my most challenging child, but also sometimes my most rewarding. I decided to really think about it today, as I know and have been told that I am an old soul as well.
From a Christian perspective, how do I really feel about the concept of an old soul? Can there be such a thing? Who knows, so I decided to not go so deep into the concept.
What makes S such an old soul? I guess it is her eyes for one, the way she looks at you. D and I are frequently fascinated by her ability to view situations and truly evaluate them, all without ever moving her head, just her eyes. She can focus more than anyone her age I have ever been around (not that I have been around a plethora of kids her age, BUT). She is incredibly perceptive and seems to read people and situations very quickly.
Does being persistent in the face of all contrasting information make one an old soul too? S has the uncanny ability to not take "no", "nope", "I SAID NO!" as a final answer. It is as if she was the host of the game show that asks if that is your final answer - and she gets to decide when the answer is acceptable. As her mother, this is beyond maddening. She frequently pushes my patience and is so very different than her older siblings that she is truly a daily challenge. I do think that this self-confidence and certainty gives her an air of power, makes her seem older/smarter?
Whatever the combination is that makes people say she is an old soul, I guess I find her to be the same and would have to concur. I love her intensity, more so when it works with my plan of action - but nonetheless, it makes her S. She is very strong, confident and a bit mean to her siblings (confidence needs channeled appropriately), absolutely adorable and is the kind of kid who draws people to her. She charms them most of the time, but occasionally will pull a shy routine. She is a one of a kind.
Some of my favorite things about her: watching her imitate her siblings and when calling her a copycat listening to her meow like a cat, snuggling with her before bed and reading Goodnight Moon - she likes the ritual and so do I, checking on her at night and seeing how long she is getting and investigating what unusual contortion she has made herself into, listening to her demand a book when we get into the van, watching her dance with her siblings, watching her eat an entire ear of corn and then another and then another..., listening to her chant and sometimes yell mamma every morning from her crib in her room, it is our ritual.
I am thankful for my little old soul, she has added a complete transformation to our lives. God definitely gave us the child we were meant to have.
Life is This Good...
CC
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Nursery Home
Things are never boring, which is usually good, but recently that has been bad. My great grandmother, who I have posted about before, whom I truly adore, is not well. She spent a week in the hospital and is now in a nursing home. For a woman who does not like change, who has lived in the same house for over 60 years, and who does not want to be a burden on anyone, this is the worst situation.
I have spent every evening but one and spent her first night in the hospital with her. She is reverting to childhood, even infancy at times, and it is terrible to witness. I have done my best to still see my family and keep my home life as normal as possible, so this has meant taking the kids with me from time to time, mostly because I want to be with them and I want them to be around their grandma. When we got home from the nursing home on Tuesday evening, CM told her daddy that we had been to the nursery home - in so many ways that is true and I had to smile at her innocent mistake that really wasn't so far from being a mistake.
Yesterday evening, Grandma was not doing well, very sick to her stomach, and I spent several hours, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding the vomit pan, and wiping her mouth after each episode. She looked horrible and felt horrible, but at one point, she looked up at me and said "am I making you sick?" Even in her darkest hour, she was thinking of someone other than herself, her selflessness astonished me and made me tear up. I told her of course not and that she need not worry about me. I then caught her exhausted and strained eyes again and told her that I hoped she knew that if I could do anything in the world to make her feel better, I would. She weakly smiled and said "I know you would."
This is tough and horrible and sad and yet I know a process of the life cycle. When praying, I am not exactly sure what to pray for - I have decided on peace for her and a soothing of her anxiety and pain. I find that I can't pray for her to live, because I am not sure I would want to live in her state and I am not so sure she wants to either. I know it is really not up to either of us, that God will decide, but it is a heart-felt struggle for me.
I know that all the positive things I possess that others like in me, the foundation for those was set by my Grandma. I owe her so much and she was such an important and positive influence on me in my younger years - but even now, seeing her grace and thoughtfulness of others, of me, I find that there are more lessons to learn from Grandma. That is why I find myself commuting another 25 minutes each way to be with her, to sit at her side, even if she is just sleeping, because I do not want to miss even a second of time during which she could share her wisdom with me.
I pray for her peace and comfort and for God's discernment as to her time on this earth.
My life is so much better for having her in it.
CC
I have spent every evening but one and spent her first night in the hospital with her. She is reverting to childhood, even infancy at times, and it is terrible to witness. I have done my best to still see my family and keep my home life as normal as possible, so this has meant taking the kids with me from time to time, mostly because I want to be with them and I want them to be around their grandma. When we got home from the nursing home on Tuesday evening, CM told her daddy that we had been to the nursery home - in so many ways that is true and I had to smile at her innocent mistake that really wasn't so far from being a mistake.
Yesterday evening, Grandma was not doing well, very sick to her stomach, and I spent several hours, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding the vomit pan, and wiping her mouth after each episode. She looked horrible and felt horrible, but at one point, she looked up at me and said "am I making you sick?" Even in her darkest hour, she was thinking of someone other than herself, her selflessness astonished me and made me tear up. I told her of course not and that she need not worry about me. I then caught her exhausted and strained eyes again and told her that I hoped she knew that if I could do anything in the world to make her feel better, I would. She weakly smiled and said "I know you would."
This is tough and horrible and sad and yet I know a process of the life cycle. When praying, I am not exactly sure what to pray for - I have decided on peace for her and a soothing of her anxiety and pain. I find that I can't pray for her to live, because I am not sure I would want to live in her state and I am not so sure she wants to either. I know it is really not up to either of us, that God will decide, but it is a heart-felt struggle for me.
I know that all the positive things I possess that others like in me, the foundation for those was set by my Grandma. I owe her so much and she was such an important and positive influence on me in my younger years - but even now, seeing her grace and thoughtfulness of others, of me, I find that there are more lessons to learn from Grandma. That is why I find myself commuting another 25 minutes each way to be with her, to sit at her side, even if she is just sleeping, because I do not want to miss even a second of time during which she could share her wisdom with me.
I pray for her peace and comfort and for God's discernment as to her time on this earth.
My life is so much better for having her in it.
CC
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Team Shirts
Conversation after breakfast this morning between D and C&C, "Would you guys like to play soccer this fall if we can get you scheduled?"
CA: "Yeah, that would be great!"
CM: "Well, um, I can't because I don't have a team shirt."
Can you figure out who is the girl and who is the boy? D and I had a good laugh over this one as we explained that you get the "team shirt" once you sign up and play.
This did get my brain churning though, how important belonging is and how much we care whose team we are on. We have been able to get a wonderful line of communication going with our girls in Cambodia through email and of course, after our recent trip. It is fantastic and does my heart so much good. The girls are very affectionate and seem to really revel in the thought that they are part of our family, that they wear our team shirts. I thank God for this peace within them and within myself. I am proud that they know they would get our team shirts, that is, if we had them.
Go Team C! (no, not a cheerleader...hush up)
CC
CA: "Yeah, that would be great!"
CM: "Well, um, I can't because I don't have a team shirt."
Can you figure out who is the girl and who is the boy? D and I had a good laugh over this one as we explained that you get the "team shirt" once you sign up and play.
This did get my brain churning though, how important belonging is and how much we care whose team we are on. We have been able to get a wonderful line of communication going with our girls in Cambodia through email and of course, after our recent trip. It is fantastic and does my heart so much good. The girls are very affectionate and seem to really revel in the thought that they are part of our family, that they wear our team shirts. I thank God for this peace within them and within myself. I am proud that they know they would get our team shirts, that is, if we had them.
Go Team C! (no, not a cheerleader...hush up)
CC
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Black and Blue Tongue...and Toe
As I get older, I realize that one of the signs that I continue to mature is the ability to restrain my tongue. I can be quite quick with my lashes and, if I do say so myself, these lashes can sting. One of the hardest things I have learned is that sometimes keeping my mouth closed and venting only to those in my "circle" of friends is usually the best avenue. The amazing thing is that I really have not found myself regretting when I have had to bite my tongue so hard it has bled.
I have learned that there are some people with whom I could exchange barbs and that in the end, I will only be more frustrated and will have accomplished nothing. This is an interesting lesson and one that I had not anticipated learning anytime soon, maybe ever. It is refreshing though and it is something that I must practice. I must thank some good friends for the guidance and the vote of confidence that being quiet is probably my best defense and that knowing in my heart that I am in the right frame of mind is what really matters. So thank you dear friends for the words of wisdom, they have been extremely valuable.
Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for laying it on the line and saying it like it is, I am just trying to learn the distinction for when I should give a verbal spanking and when I should prepare the bandages to stop the bleeding on my poor tongue.
Oh, the toe, yes, thank you for asking. Well, the hubster came back to rescue me from my stint as a single mom with a crazy work project and one would think that all should be rainbows and puppy dogs, right? Not exactly. The work project reared it's ugly head again and so that stress was there and then while trying to maintain a relatively clean house (note the term "relatively"), I continue housework while sleeping - word from someone who has been there done that,
DON'T!!!!!
Monday morning, D goes downstairs to get some crack in a cup (more socially accepted term is coffee) for us and comes back up pretty quickly asking when I started the last load of laundry. Odd question, yes? Well, it seems that the load of laundry I started about 10 minutes before bed the night before didn't wash as it should have. No, instead the hose that connects the water to the washer had come unhooked and so the load of laundry continued to "rinse" all night, except it did not rinse clothes, but instead rinsed the kitchen floor, family room carpet, and then for effective measure, rinsed through the floors and flooded the basement. What a mess. Awful.
Well, to make a long story short and because I know you are DYING to know about my toe, the flood involved the complete and final destruction of a cabinet set in the basement. This cabinet set was given to us, but it was a nice little place to store some of the kids toys. Well, D decided to take it out to the trash pile since the next morning was trash day. I decided that he needed some help with one of the cabinets and well, while carrying it outside, part of it fell off because it was so wet and ruined. Yes, you guessed it, it FELL ON MY BIG TOE. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I don't think that I have ever experienced such quick and instantaneous pain, I almost threw up and then started shivering, an odd shock reaction. Needless to say, I have survived but my toe looks AWFUL and dire predictions are that it will eventually fall off since it is v. damaged at the base. What fun to look forward to, yes? NO.
So, there you go, my events in a nutshell. My big work project went off across the ocean today and so I have a small reprieve although I hate to say it very loudly, who knows the ramifications of actually admitting I might have time to go out to lunch!
Life is Still This Good...
CC
I have learned that there are some people with whom I could exchange barbs and that in the end, I will only be more frustrated and will have accomplished nothing. This is an interesting lesson and one that I had not anticipated learning anytime soon, maybe ever. It is refreshing though and it is something that I must practice. I must thank some good friends for the guidance and the vote of confidence that being quiet is probably my best defense and that knowing in my heart that I am in the right frame of mind is what really matters. So thank you dear friends for the words of wisdom, they have been extremely valuable.
Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for laying it on the line and saying it like it is, I am just trying to learn the distinction for when I should give a verbal spanking and when I should prepare the bandages to stop the bleeding on my poor tongue.
Oh, the toe, yes, thank you for asking. Well, the hubster came back to rescue me from my stint as a single mom with a crazy work project and one would think that all should be rainbows and puppy dogs, right? Not exactly. The work project reared it's ugly head again and so that stress was there and then while trying to maintain a relatively clean house (note the term "relatively"), I continue housework while sleeping - word from someone who has been there done that,
DON'T!!!!!
Monday morning, D goes downstairs to get some crack in a cup (more socially accepted term is coffee) for us and comes back up pretty quickly asking when I started the last load of laundry. Odd question, yes? Well, it seems that the load of laundry I started about 10 minutes before bed the night before didn't wash as it should have. No, instead the hose that connects the water to the washer had come unhooked and so the load of laundry continued to "rinse" all night, except it did not rinse clothes, but instead rinsed the kitchen floor, family room carpet, and then for effective measure, rinsed through the floors and flooded the basement. What a mess. Awful.
Well, to make a long story short and because I know you are DYING to know about my toe, the flood involved the complete and final destruction of a cabinet set in the basement. This cabinet set was given to us, but it was a nice little place to store some of the kids toys. Well, D decided to take it out to the trash pile since the next morning was trash day. I decided that he needed some help with one of the cabinets and well, while carrying it outside, part of it fell off because it was so wet and ruined. Yes, you guessed it, it FELL ON MY BIG TOE. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I don't think that I have ever experienced such quick and instantaneous pain, I almost threw up and then started shivering, an odd shock reaction. Needless to say, I have survived but my toe looks AWFUL and dire predictions are that it will eventually fall off since it is v. damaged at the base. What fun to look forward to, yes? NO.
So, there you go, my events in a nutshell. My big work project went off across the ocean today and so I have a small reprieve although I hate to say it very loudly, who knows the ramifications of actually admitting I might have time to go out to lunch!
Life is Still This Good...
CC
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Summer Slim Down
Okay, the truth hurts, and here it is...I can't seem to get where I want with my weight. At my highest weight ever, after infertility, then the adoption from hell, and then trying to adjust to life with twins and a sometimes stressful job and trying to juggle everything, I saw 205 on the scales in 2004. I could not believe it, but it was true.
Since that frightening time, I have managed to get down to a low of 171 but now continue to yo-yo between this and about 187...which is where I was as of Monday afternoon on the scales at work. I am mad and more than a bit disappointed with myself. I have gained about 10 pounds in 2 weeks, since returning from Cambodia. YIKES. What is a fat girl to do? Well, let me tell ya...
We are having a large weight loss competition at work, groups of 4 competing from July 12 through October sometime and whoever loses the largest percentage (group percentage), wins all kinds of fantastic prizes and is hopefully more able to work their professional work clothes as an added bonus;). I have a good team, but nobody that REALLY needs to lose a lot of weight, so I am not thinking we will win...but I could try to take the individual award...I am really ready to get down to my goal. GOAL = 147!
So, let's see if I can get a ticker going here of how far I have come, and how far I have yet to go. I will hopefully post an update on the slim down weekly, so anticipate!
"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" - cheesy, I know, but going to try to make it true! I even drank 66 ounces of water today!
CC
Sunday, July 09, 2006
How to Tip the Scales
You know the old phrase "tip the scales"? I appear to be attempting to literally do that this weekend. I considered using the title "The Big Binge Weekend of July 2006", but I wanted to add a photo...so here we are. Seriously, I have never ever eaten as much as I have in the past 48 hours, it is astounding. Why you might ask? Well, I am not 100% sure, but I have a few guesses.
1. I am in the middle of a very important and serious work project that required me to work this weekend, a rarity thankfully, but a big source of stress nonetheless.
2. The hubster left v. early on Saturday for a mission trip down south, this means my best friend and confidante is gone for a week AND I am a single mom for a week. Added stress with this because of item 1 above.
3. I am needing to do multiple things for other venues in my life, the not-for-profit, finishing some adoption paperwork stuff that I promised myself I would get completed THIS SUMMER, etc.
4. Stress about the situation with the girls, not because of the girls, more because of another's involvement and how to handle it.
5. I STRESS EAT.
Now, the one thing I have learned about myself over the last year is that when I am stressed I eat, BUT, when I am absolutely totally miserable and can't function due to it, then I can't eat. So, I know all is fine, I am just stressed, but to a level I can handle.
What have I eaten you ask with the curiousity that one would attribute to watching the events of a wreck...? Let me see if I can capture all feasting items, the order is meaningless as many were eaten several times:
Life cereal (multiple bowls), 5 donuts, almost an entire veggie pizza, 2 breadsticks, carrots and roast, 2 biscuits, sherbert ice cream, 2 coney dogs with onion, shells and cheese, baked beans, pot roast sandwich, dirt pudding, and I am honestly not sure what else as I do believe some food was ingested in a food-induced haze. Wow, can one person really eat all of that in such a short period of time? I am here to tell you that yes, indeed, one can; however, the guilt and rather ill feeling will lead one to vow to NEVER do that to again. Ever.
Now, my busyness at work continues tomorrow and I am just hoping that after the events of the weekend will still allow me to fit into some of my business clothing!
On a good note, my kiddos were angels this weekend as I had to try to split my time between a very high pressing work project involving 2 continents and their time zones and my true priority, my kids. They truly are the best.
I sent the girls a note and am thinking about them so much, I love those girls v. much.
Well, I had to document the horror that was my GREAT BINGE of JULY 2006.
Life is this good...
CC
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I'm Baaaackkkkk!
Where did she go? What happened to her? Did she have a tremendous episode of stress or overeating or both? Fear not, I have returned and have missed this blog and the cathartic effect it has on me.
Where have I been? Cambodia actually, thanks for asking.
Yes, I will let that little secret out of the bag, that is where my extra-curricular efforts are directed, the country of Cambodia. It is a sad, beautiful, and haunting country that has entranced my husband and I since we adopted our twins in 2002. It is the country that our not-for-profit supports and the country where our older two daughters still reside. We are forever tied to this country.
We journeyed there to build 10 houses for desperately poor families AND to spend some quality time with our older girls. It was a great trip, one that introduced a young friend of ours to another world outside of our little midwest insulated enclave. It was a GREAT trip, exhausting, but great.
There is lots to tell and lots to still have my miniature brain process, but that will take some time. I just wanted to break the ice and post that I am alive and well, just v. busy.
More soon, I promise.
CC
Where have I been? Cambodia actually, thanks for asking.
Yes, I will let that little secret out of the bag, that is where my extra-curricular efforts are directed, the country of Cambodia. It is a sad, beautiful, and haunting country that has entranced my husband and I since we adopted our twins in 2002. It is the country that our not-for-profit supports and the country where our older two daughters still reside. We are forever tied to this country.
We journeyed there to build 10 houses for desperately poor families AND to spend some quality time with our older girls. It was a great trip, one that introduced a young friend of ours to another world outside of our little midwest insulated enclave. It was a GREAT trip, exhausting, but great.
There is lots to tell and lots to still have my miniature brain process, but that will take some time. I just wanted to break the ice and post that I am alive and well, just v. busy.
More soon, I promise.
CC
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