Discerning

My current mental focus is on discerning God's will for me.  I have plenty of wants and wishes, desires galore and some of them are rather nagging, but are they God's prompting or my human selfish desires?  That is the question. 

I have long believed that my intuition is God talking to me and I don't know that I have ever pondered so deeply about anything.  Nothing serious going on, home life is great, school I am surviving, just trying to anticipate where my career should go. 

I have been praying, although probably not nearly enough.  I have been talking to the hubster about it, he knows me so well and is a great sounding board. 

When to rock the boat, that is the question...

CC

How Do You Know?

So, the question I have been pondering for some time is perhaps one common among many families at our stage of life:  Are we done adding to our family? 


Looking from the outside in, I realize that this is an insane question for our family, 2 parents working full-time (one being a pastor who's job never seems to end), one who just finished grad school, the other who is working towards her PhD, 3 kids who are busy with sports and other activities and are just on the verge of that social butterfly thing and wanting to hang out at others' houses and have others over to ours...and this, and that - well, you get the picture.  But, I have just always had that nagging feeling that there are more out there that will one day call me mom.  It is just some sort of gut instinct thing, which for me, is God talking to me. 


I have chalked this gut instinct up to a possible child that we will adopt into our family who is in a bad situation, a friend of the kids perhaps, I am not sure.  OR, it could be the space in my heart that still exists, will forever, for our Laurel Chompa and Lily Bopha, 2 girls in Cambodia that we all consider to be part of our family, but for a thousand reasons they are not able to come to the US and officially be our daughters.  Unfortunately, their tale has taken a sad turn and their future is definitely in jeopardy due to bad influences; all I can do for them is pray.


For us, the decision to have another child goes far beyond a wonderful evening...;)  Our journey to parenthood involves reams of paperwork, invasive scrutiny of our personal and financial lives, and tens of thousands of dollars.  Not that I am complaining (OK, maybe a little bit), because I am honestly beyond grateful for our 3 cherubs, they are truly beyond words blessings, but, suffice it to say, our journey to parenthood is arduous. 


There are lots of factors to consider, including but not limited to:

• How will Shenzy handle another child in the family, this is one child with a distinct personality and I don't see her taking well to being an older sister, although I know she would adjust;
• Financially, we are seeing a wonderful gleaming light at the end of the debt reduction tunnel, do we really want to run back into the fog (even though it would be temporary due to tax credits and work reimbursements);
• Do we have the mental stamina to endure the world of adoption again? (we have been in knock down drag outs through our Cambodian adoptions and it took a lot out of us);
• Do we rock our nice little family boat that seems to have all the holes plugged and life jackets securely fastened?;
• What about paying for their colleges (not a HUGE concern for us, but one to consider; neither one of us had a dime to go to college and we both have Master's degrees and will both eventually have our PhDs, where there is a will, there is a way);
• Will our family size limit where we can travel to and live as a Navy family?
• From where would we adopt?

These are but a mere fraction of all the considerations that bounce around in my head like a pinball.  But, there are a few things I do know with absolute certainty.

• We have many blessings and much love to share with at least one more child.
• We are blessed to have the resources to care for more children.
• We know that God calls upon us to care and look after the orphans of the world, and I especially feel such a strong tug to do this beyond the charities we support on a monthly basis.

So, how do you know?  I have been praying about this and felt somewhat settled that I was to sit tight and ride it out for a while in uncertainty.  The images from Haiti tugged right at my easily plucked heartstrings though and smacked me in the face that while I am being complacent, there are kids all over the world waiting for a family.  There were tons of kids in Haiti waiting before the earthquake and quite honestly, I had been following several blogs of people working with NGOs in Haiti (adoption and medical), but still did not feel compelled to take a step toward adoption.  Don't mistake, Haitian adoptions were ridiculously challenging before the earthquake, now they will be even worse.  But somewhere in the world, is there a kid who belongs in our home? 


How do you know?


Deep ponderings, I know.


CC

Technology Run Amok!

Today has been a day of extreme technological advances in the CC household. 

 

1.  I purchased a new laptop – very much needed.  My other laptop still works and will become the kids’ laptop, but it literally takes about 15 minutes to boot up sometimes…much too long for this impatient chick.

 

2.  I am setting up said laptop, adventure enough.  With that setup comes my signing up for Skype!  Woo Hoo, major advances.

 

3.  I am using the new Windows 7 Windows Live Writer to type this and it is so quick and easy, watch out Nik – I just might start updating more than once a century;)

 

4.  I UNofficially started my dissertation today!  I put my name, previous degrees, and anticipated graduation date on the cover of the dissertation template.  It is a small step, but a big one and I am happy!

 

All for now, thoughts around here are frequently of Haiti and those suffering unimaginable horrors, work stresses of uncertainty still, school stresses (desperately sick of it), and overall appreciation for our lot in life.  We are blessed beyond belief and recognize it.

 

Until later,
CC

Rumors of my demise - Premature

It is less than a week from Christmas and I believe this has been my longest absence from blogging.  I just watched Julie and Julia last night and it had me thinking about my negligence on my own dear blog.  The past 2 months have flown by and my days continue to get shorter and shorter.  So, for my own memory when I review this in years to come, what have I been up to?

Work, it remains a very tenuous place right now, scheduled to cut 5500 jobs over the next 2 years, hoping and praying that mine is not one of them.  Even though I now telework, the atmosphere there is very negative, too many changes, too much insecurity, too little trust of the people and new restrictions, all add up to not so positive of an environment.  I am hoping it can turn itself around, but I guess time will tell.

School, well, I finished another quarter, probably my hardest thus far because it had the most nasty of all statistics classes.  I rejoiced big time when it was over.  I am already in Week 2 of my next quarter and I am so very very sick of school.  I am ready for it to be over big time.  I only have 3 quarters left of coursework, so by the end of this coming summer, I will only have my dissertation to complete, then, PhD BABY!!!!!  I have a serious lack of desire right now though, am just trying to soldier on and remember I am almost done.

Family, everyone is doing well.  The kids are doing awesome in school, hubby is doing wonderfully at his new job down here, and all is generally good.  We are leaving on our cruise in just over a week and we are all excited about it:)!

I will try not to be so long - or so boring in the future:)

Life is This Good
CC

Statistics and Cruising

Statistics and Cruising, the two terms do NOT go together, but are both on my mind.  I have just finished Week 4 of my 8th quarter for school.  I am a bit overwhelmed as there is a great deal of reading to do and a 5-credit hour statistics course.  Ugghhh.  I had stats in my master's degree program and didn't like it then, and deal with statistics on a daily basis, but in coordination with many statisticians who are rather brilliant.  So, I am surviving, barely.

On the fun side, we have booked a cruise for a bit of fun in the sun!  Woo Hoo!!!  We all are rather ready for some fun and we are going to have it right after Christmas.  We have booked a cruise that will have us gloriously unencumbered and unstressed for 5 nights and 6 days!  We are all very excited.  This has led me into extreme vigilance regarding what I eat and how much I exercise as I would prefer to weigh at least 15 pounds less before we go, but I will not let that deter the amount of fun I have.

Just wanted to check in, we are all healthy and doing well and I believe are NOT going to be getting the H1N1 vaccine, I am just not comfortable with it.  Lots of reasons, but it is based on both my gut and a fair bit of research. 

All for now, life is definitely this good!
CC

Kiva Reloan X 2 = Feels Good

I just logged into my Kiva to see if I had any funds that had been repaid so that I could reloan them, and I did, I had enough to do two $25 loans!  Awesome feeling to know that I am being a part of something so powerful and life-altering!  A feel good moment for me in the midst of continued turmoil in my work life and increasing dread at doing my school work (yet I shall persevere!).

I am reading Nick Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn's new book, Half the Sky, and it is just awesome, inspiring, motivating, and beautiful.  I won't say more right now as it is, for me, almost a religious experience to read this book and I just need to absorb it all.  The stories of evil and hope, successe and failures, are the real stories that should be spread, not what some narcissitic celebrity is doing on any given day.  I want to ditch my work and my school work and sit and read and read, but alas, I must be responsible.

CC

Change is The Only Constant

I feel like I am at a crossroads of sorts. I am reminding myself frequently that I am on the path that I feel God is leading me down. Sometimes I want to jump ship and dive headfirst into my future career...but I know that I must learn how to swim and dive properly (finish my PhD), after buying all the proper equipment (finish paying off all my debt), before I take off on my daring adventure (working within the NGO world).


These feelings are intensified by the fact that my employer continues to make big changes that leave my future there unknown. The economy and regulatory changes are requiring that business be done differently, and that differently is still being defined. While I feel somewhat comfortable that I am okay for now, who knows what the future holds.


For now, I must try to be a good mom to be kids, wife to my husband, friend to those I value, employee to my company, and student to my educational institution. This should leave me content enough, but there is just a nagging need to do more that I can't seem to quiet.


Just my thoughts for now...
CC