Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Almost Heaven

Last night, though completely exhausted and sick with a nasty head cold, the kiddos and I snuggled in the family room, Shenzy laying on my chest, watching Flushed Away. While the movie is just okay, the kids find it amusing and there was such a sense of peace that I felt like it was almost heaven.

Heaven was way on my mind as during the previous night, while my family slept, I had been at my great-grandma's bedside first at the nursing home and then at the hospital. Had the paperwork been right, she would likely have passed away within a day at the nursing home while receiving comfort care. But, her POA, my grandma (her daughter), had never changed her living will to state that she would only receive palliative care - therefore, the nursing staff would have been forced to perform CPR and call 911 should she have passed away. None of us wanted that, the force of CPR would have broken every rib she had, and so as her breathing became more labored and she was not responsive, we had her transferred to the hospital. When I left to go home, I had said my goodbyes and felt at peace. I was SHOCKED to get a call that she was actually doing much better and was now awake and response. They are planning to keep her in the hospital for a couple of days, then transfer her back to the nursing home. The DNR order has now been changed and hopefully she will be allowed to die peacefully without all the drama. I felt that she experienced, almost heaven for real.

2007 - it has been an odd year so far, not all good at all.

I will brighten my posts soon, I promise!

Monday, February 19, 2007

The Misunderstanding

So Saturday was my Uncle G's funeral and things went well, kind of rambly from the minister, but okay. My Uncle would have preferred it to be much shorter I am sure, but there were a lot of good things to say about him. The church was standing room only, it was a nice tribute to him.

Now, the misunderstanding, well it came near the very end of the message from the pastor. I wish I could let it go, but I have not yet been able to, you all might think it silly, so please tell me so. The pastor said something about how he was the kind of person who helped family members adopt little GIRLS from overseas. Okay, he was obviously referring to my little family - we are the only ones with children born "overseas". BUT, the way he put it obviously leads to all kinds of misunderstandings, first of all being Meesta is a boy, pure and full-blooded boy. Second, "overseas" just sounds kind of patronizing or something to my ears. Finally, and probably most disturbing to me, is that everyone left that church thinking that he and my aunt GAVE US MONEY for our adoptions. Now, while my aunt and uncle very likely would have done so had we asked, WE NEVER ASKED. WE SACRIFICED AND WENT INTO DEBT OF OUR OWN ACCORD, WE NEVER ASKED MONEY FROM FAMILY, WE NEVER HAD A GRANT OR ANYTHING, WE DID IT ON OUR OWN. I guess this is a pride thing on my part, but when you have done something on your own and it was not easy, I don't want others thinking we went around asking everyone for money to fund our adoptions.

So, while this really has nothing to do with my Uncle, it has left me with an uneasy feeling about the ceremony itself. Hopefully time will ease this irritation from my head and heart (again, not about my Uncle), but right now it is quite prevalent.

And while I am b*&ching...lots of people said how cute our kids were, etc - people from our hometown who have never seen them. To one I said, thank you, I agree, hoping that is not arrogant since we really didn't have anything to do with it. She responded by saying, well, you picked them out didn't you? NO, THEY ARE NOT PUPPIES AT THE POUND, WE DID NOT PICK THEM OUT. This is the second time in the last year this has come up and it just makes me realize how many people probably think we "shopped around" to pick out the cutest of the bunch. Not sure why this bothers me so, but it does. I responded by saying no, these are the children God picked for our family.

This actually makes me think of the situation of how we got Doodle's referral, another family turned her down after seeing her picture because of a scar on her forehead. They already had a daughter born in China who was "so beautiful, they did not want their Cambodian daughter to feel bad about herself." (paraphrasing a bit, but that was the message) If you could see my Doodle, and the fact that with her came a twin brother named Meesta, well thank GOD that the other family turned her down! Now, I would love and adore my children if they had green skin and purple eyes and would think they were the most beautiful creatures on earth, so don't think I am all about looks!

Am I just grouchy and out of sorts and should get over the "helped them" comment at the funeral? Again, it is not that my Uncle G would NOT have helped had we asked, but we did it ON OUR OWN.


Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Things I Love

As it is Valentine's Day, love should be in there air, right? Well, given that I am going on my second day of being snowed in with 3 kids and a major work project...and having not bathed now since Monday before work...I am needing some inspiration! Yes, taking a bath and shaving my developing armpit forest would be a good start, but let's discuss things I love - that will make me happy, yes? Let's see.

Things I love:

*Seeing D doing just about anything with our kids, there is just about nothing sexier than him being a wonderful dad to our kids

*My cherubs tucking their arms in as I hold them close to me, it means they feel safe and snug, just as they should, all is right in the world when they do that

*The smell of coffee

*Vishey showers at the spa (not sure spelled right, but TRUST ME!!!)

*Home-made potato soup

*Holding hands with D and seeing him in his sexy college professor glasses, let me just say, YUM!

*Feeling needed by my family and/or friends

*Having my best friend as my husband

*Knowing all my kids are safe (including L & L in Cambodia)

*A relaxing evening out, involving a good movie and meal

*Traveling to new places

*Making my family proud (especially my mom)

*Learning new things

*Seeing my children succeed (at whatever they are attempting)


*Riding in a car with a sunroof open

*The smell of rain when I am not getting wet

*Friday afternoons when I leave work early

*Sleeping in (at least I think so, it has been so long)


*Taking a walk

*Getting a concept, especially when it takes a while for my thick noggin to get it

*Lipstick, all shapes and kinds, I can't live without it

*Knowing that I am helping families in Cambodia through my NFP work, helping them in forever, life-changing positive ways

*Changing into my "comfy" clothes after work

Okay, that is surely the tip of the iceburg of what I LOVE, but has helped inspire me to be a bit more romantic on this happy evening.


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Hanging by a string

Okay, I admit it, I give. Right now, I can't seem to keep up with everything. I feel as if I am drowning in to-do lists and can't quite get ahead. I am very bad at saying I need help or can't handle everything, but the last month has put my overachieving personality to the test.

I have been VERY busy at work, working 12+ hours for the last 1 1/2 weeks - not so easy for a normal human who has a spouse who does not work outside the home as well (and is not in school taking 5 classes), but for me, with D's schedule and 3 little cherubs who deserve me to be the best mommy that I can be, which is to say BEING HOME, this has been tough. The problem is that I truly enjoy my work, even love it sometimes and I am given these tough projects because I can usually handle the pressure and even thrive on it. I can handle the more challenging projects - which is to say the more challenging personalities sometimes, and I feel like I am valuable to the project. Fortunately, these challenging projects don't come up that often, so it is tolerable. I must admit that my mom has been there for me with my schedule over the last week in a big way, something I have never asked of her in all the time that I have been a mom. It has been humbling and yet good that I know she has been here for me when I truly needed her to be.

Now, on to the basement and weather. We have received one of the insurance checks and are waiting on the second. I will be glad when it is all over! The house is still not 100% back to normal, but it is getting close. Now for the weather, I live in the Midwest and we have had the worst weather that we have had in several years today - closing all schools, leaving me with my urgent work project trying to continue work on from home...w/ aforementioned 3 cherubs. D has been home as well, which is helpful, but still not ideal working conditions if you know what I mean. School is already closed for tomorrow.

The NFP - I feel like there are always about 12 items that I am behind on with my NFP. Since we are all-volunteer and want to remain that way so the money goes where it is needed, this weighs heavily on my conscience. It seems the minute I feel completely caught up, someone emails me about something random, then 5 more checks arrive, each requiring special communication and on and on.

Now on to the family front, my Great-grandma, who I have written about before, is not doing well again. She has been in the nursing home since this summer and been stable, but she seems to be taking a turn for the worse again. I have not been able to visit her nearly enough over the past 2 months and that weighs on my conscience as well. Finally, my Uncle G passed away yesterday morning. It is so very sad but good in that he is no longer suffering. I feel as if I was able to say goodbye to him and the last thing I said to him as I left their house Thursday evening was "I love you" and he replied likewise. I have peace in that he knew of my feelings and admiration for him but sad in that he is gone from this world. When explaining it to my Meesta, and asking if he was sad, he said "no". I was a bit taken aback at first, but he went on to say that Uncle G was with God and that was a good thing. Precious words from a child that went straight to my heart.

Finally, on to the fat front. Oh internet, it is not looking good for our little bet. I have not forgotten this bet though and as soon as something else gives, I will be back to the fight - but right now, as in other times which have obviously led me to this point - I am STRESS EATING! I will update the weight, all progress has been eliminated...but I will get back to it, I promise!

I miss blogging and am still faithfully reading others' in my spare moments, so keep it up my friends in cyberspace!

Hanging by a proverbial thread...