Monday, February 19, 2007

The Misunderstanding

So Saturday was my Uncle G's funeral and things went well, kind of rambly from the minister, but okay. My Uncle would have preferred it to be much shorter I am sure, but there were a lot of good things to say about him. The church was standing room only, it was a nice tribute to him.

Now, the misunderstanding, well it came near the very end of the message from the pastor. I wish I could let it go, but I have not yet been able to, you all might think it silly, so please tell me so. The pastor said something about how he was the kind of person who helped family members adopt little GIRLS from overseas. Okay, he was obviously referring to my little family - we are the only ones with children born "overseas". BUT, the way he put it obviously leads to all kinds of misunderstandings, first of all being Meesta is a boy, pure and full-blooded boy. Second, "overseas" just sounds kind of patronizing or something to my ears. Finally, and probably most disturbing to me, is that everyone left that church thinking that he and my aunt GAVE US MONEY for our adoptions. Now, while my aunt and uncle very likely would have done so had we asked, WE NEVER ASKED. WE SACRIFICED AND WENT INTO DEBT OF OUR OWN ACCORD, WE NEVER ASKED MONEY FROM FAMILY, WE NEVER HAD A GRANT OR ANYTHING, WE DID IT ON OUR OWN. I guess this is a pride thing on my part, but when you have done something on your own and it was not easy, I don't want others thinking we went around asking everyone for money to fund our adoptions.

So, while this really has nothing to do with my Uncle, it has left me with an uneasy feeling about the ceremony itself. Hopefully time will ease this irritation from my head and heart (again, not about my Uncle), but right now it is quite prevalent.

And while I am b*&ching...lots of people said how cute our kids were, etc - people from our hometown who have never seen them. To one I said, thank you, I agree, hoping that is not arrogant since we really didn't have anything to do with it. She responded by saying, well, you picked them out didn't you? NO, THEY ARE NOT PUPPIES AT THE POUND, WE DID NOT PICK THEM OUT. This is the second time in the last year this has come up and it just makes me realize how many people probably think we "shopped around" to pick out the cutest of the bunch. Not sure why this bothers me so, but it does. I responded by saying no, these are the children God picked for our family.

This actually makes me think of the situation of how we got Doodle's referral, another family turned her down after seeing her picture because of a scar on her forehead. They already had a daughter born in China who was "so beautiful, they did not want their Cambodian daughter to feel bad about herself." (paraphrasing a bit, but that was the message) If you could see my Doodle, and the fact that with her came a twin brother named Meesta, well thank GOD that the other family turned her down! Now, I would love and adore my children if they had green skin and purple eyes and would think they were the most beautiful creatures on earth, so don't think I am all about looks!

Am I just grouchy and out of sorts and should get over the "helped them" comment at the funeral? Again, it is not that my Uncle G would NOT have helped had we asked, but we did it ON OUR OWN.



Christina said...

That's the kind of thing that would get me in a bit of a tizzy too. It sounds like your frustration is that your whole family heard this and now will make assumptions. I don't know a way to rectify it, outside of asking a family member to act "gossipy" and casually mention to another gossipy family member that your uncle didn't actually give you any money, you raised it all yourselves.
About the other comment - grr, some people are SO dense and annoying. Just because Angenlina went kid shopping doesn't mean the rest of us do. I think God gave Doodle that tiny little imperfection just to make sure she made her way to you!

D said...

Ignorance, try not to let it bother you when another says comments about "picking". When I read the words, I saw "that child is so special". I think people say things like that for fear a child may feel, not special, being adopted. "Being Picked", makes people feel like they are better than any other.

I hope my feelings come through there????

Regarding the Pastor's words - yoooouwsy - that would have gotten under my skin too. Especially, where my Gramp's neices are concerned. They would immediately cause me aggravation from this comment. People with money on their minds, instead of love, make this a terrible mistake.

Don't worry though. You know the truth. Don't try to change others thoughts. Let God handle it. And you Aunt. In confidence, you may tell her that you "wonder if others were confused by that comment" and "if they think you are a low life for taking their money." Then sit back and never look at the subject again.

Finally, who cares - you got those beautiful kids. Their hearts are full of love, your heart is full of love. Let the gossip go on it's own, cause honey, you don't have time.