Nursery Home

Things are never boring, which is usually good, but recently that has been bad. My great grandmother, who I have posted about before, whom I truly adore, is not well. She spent a week in the hospital and is now in a nursing home. For a woman who does not like change, who has lived in the same house for over 60 years, and who does not want to be a burden on anyone, this is the worst situation.

I have spent every evening but one and spent her first night in the hospital with her. She is reverting to childhood, even infancy at times, and it is terrible to witness. I have done my best to still see my family and keep my home life as normal as possible, so this has meant taking the kids with me from time to time, mostly because I want to be with them and I want them to be around their grandma. When we got home from the nursing home on Tuesday evening, CM told her daddy that we had been to the nursery home - in so many ways that is true and I had to smile at her innocent mistake that really wasn't so far from being a mistake.

Yesterday evening, Grandma was not doing well, very sick to her stomach, and I spent several hours, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding the vomit pan, and wiping her mouth after each episode. She looked horrible and felt horrible, but at one point, she looked up at me and said "am I making you sick?" Even in her darkest hour, she was thinking of someone other than herself, her selflessness astonished me and made me tear up. I told her of course not and that she need not worry about me. I then caught her exhausted and strained eyes again and told her that I hoped she knew that if I could do anything in the world to make her feel better, I would. She weakly smiled and said "I know you would."

This is tough and horrible and sad and yet I know a process of the life cycle. When praying, I am not exactly sure what to pray for - I have decided on peace for her and a soothing of her anxiety and pain. I find that I can't pray for her to live, because I am not sure I would want to live in her state and I am not so sure she wants to either. I know it is really not up to either of us, that God will decide, but it is a heart-felt struggle for me.

I know that all the positive things I possess that others like in me, the foundation for those was set by my Grandma. I owe her so much and she was such an important and positive influence on me in my younger years - but even now, seeing her grace and thoughtfulness of others, of me, I find that there are more lessons to learn from Grandma. That is why I find myself commuting another 25 minutes each way to be with her, to sit at her side, even if she is just sleeping, because I do not want to miss even a second of time during which she could share her wisdom with me.

I pray for her peace and comfort and for God's discernment as to her time on this earth.

My life is so much better for having her in it.

CC